No.110408
NARRATOR:
Dear audience, a moment if you please?
Before our tale brings all unto their knees,
A brief respite, though whether grand finale
Or penultimate act, I cannot rally
The wit to say! For truth be told, dear friends,
No script exists! We know not how this ends!
[Scene: Gentleman's Club Cyprus. PUNCH wielding his slapstick, MINSTREL bent over]
PUNCH:
That's roight! Take that, you nigger thing!
Each whack for black makes proper ring!
MINSTREL:
Oh yes! More please, good massa! Don't you stop!
This nigger ready for another pop!
[JUDY bursts in, face red with fury]
JUDY:
You bloody scoundrel! Wot's all this then 'ere?
In broad daylight! You've lost your mind, I fear!
MINSTREL:
Back off, ya hag! This massa now be mine!
Your screechin' voice make poison taste like wine!
[PUNCH and MINSTREL begin dancing before the audience, completely ignoring JUDY]
JUDY:
You worthless, good-for-nothing, cheating rat!
You nigger loving mongrel! Flea-bitten cat!
You… you… oh blast! I'm out of things to say!
*storms out*
Come 'ere pharaohs, this way!
[Enter BOBBIES with truncheons drawn]
BOBBY 1:
Right then! You're nicked for misconduct most foul!
You coon addicted, filthy fool!
Come quiet-like, or there'll be quite a row!
Hand over us… Yer Jimmy Crow!
[At a dead end]
MINSTREL:
Massa, de time has come to do dem ritual bukkakes…
PUNCH:
My dear Jim, I believe you mean seppuku!
[They both pull out comically large dynamite and blow up themselves]
BOBBIES (in unison):
Good heavens! No!
JUDY:
*from distance*
Rest in peace, you silly gits!
Though truth be told, I'm rather glad?
*pulls out a photo of a niggeress - the wife of Jim Crow*
For Maggie Pie has caught my bits!
The best romance I've ever had!
No.110410
actual play
Act I: The Wheel of Misfortune
[A decrepit street corner in the twilight, somewhere between medieval fantasy and modern decay. The NARRATOR stands in an unfortunate predicament.]
NARRATOR:
In times of yore, when magic met the street,
Our world did take a turn most indiscreet.
These cursed urban planners, blast their souls!
No escape routes when chaos takes its toll!
Here I stand, in excrement most foul,
While nigs make me throw in the towel.
Oh bloody hell, oh fuck, oh shitting grace,
This wouldn't happen in a car-based place!
But look! Upon that hill so neat and trim,
A condo where our tale grows rather grim.
Of greed and gluttony, I shall relate,
A story that will seal this kingdom's fate!
[enter ARLECCHINO - completely tired and drained of strength after a long day of wagecucking in the office of the old man PANTALONE. First, it was just a pantomime of him silently screaming in the air, but then he takes a magic slapstick and waves it. Thus, the sound is brought forth.]
ARLECCHINO:
Another day in corporate chains I waste,
While Pantalone counts his gold with taste.
And Pierrot, that pretentious crying fool,
Who made our kingdom break the golden rule!
"Let goblins come!" he said with teary eyes,
"Give welfare, magic items!" - bloody lies!
They hawk those trinkets at the market square,
While honest workers pull their thinning hair!
What's this? That wretch in filth dares point and mock?
Even vagabonds now give me shock!
No.110414
ACT II: Columbina's Frustration
[Before an ornate palace, decorated with an excessive amount of rainbows and unicorn statues. The NARRATOR remains in his unfortunate predicament.]
NARRATOR:
Behold this palace, gaudy, pink, and soft,
Where Pierrot dwells in chambers high aloft.
His "contributions" bought this lavish home—
Wait! NO! Some bastard's adding to my dome!
Another immigrant just took a squat!
Right here! Above! Into this festering lot!
Where are the guards? These alleys are too slim!
Their bellies wide, these streets too narrow, dim!
He didn't even wave or say hello!
Just dropped his load and off he chose to go!
Curse urban planning! Curse these walking streets!
No escape routes when brown rain downward meets!
[In the palace balcony, PIERROT and COLUMBINA appear in what seems to be an intimate moment.]
PIERROT:
My dove! My light! Look there upon the square!
Such injustice still lingers in the air!
Those goblins wear but simple golden chains,
While riding horses bred for noble strains!
COLUMBINA:
*yawns* Oh dear, I think I left the stove—
PIERROT:
And yesterday! Such horror did unfold!
An elven lady, barred from rooms of gold!
COLUMBINA:
That was a male dwarf in a dress, my sweet—
PIERROT:
And monster trucks that terrorize our streets!
Breaking the peace with their polluting feats!
COLUMBINA:
Those were toy cars that Tommy plays with, dear—
PIERROT:
I… I need air! My potions call to me!
These happy pills shall set my spirit free!
[PIERROT exits dramatically, leaving COLUMBINA alone on the balcony.]
No.110416
>>110415nice boobs
schizo thread acknowledged
No.110417
ACT III. THE DUEL
[The NARRATOR is seen attempting to play checkers with pieces made of questionable materials.]
NARRATOR:
Oh! Pardon me, I didn't see you there!
While stuck in muck, I sought some brief repair
With checkers made of… well, best not to say,
And this fine rat who kindly chose to stay.
But look! Beyond these walls of grime and waste,
That gilded palace where the fortune's placed!
The casino bright, where I cannot crawl,
For fear of leaving brown marks on the wall.
[Enter SCARAMOUCHELLO, dressed in gaudy attire with excessive gold chains.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Gracias, amigo, for this helpful sign!
Your head shall make my boots so nicely shine!
The greatest macho needs the cleanest step—
Your skull provides the perfect doormat prep!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO steps on NARRATOR's head to cross the filth.]
NARRATOR:
May fleas infest your overstuffed machismo!
May all your spicy food turn mild and dismal!
Now, little rat, shall we resume our game?
Quick! While they're looking other way—how tame!
[Scene changes to the interior of a lavish casino.]
ARLECCHINO:
Jackpot again! The coins rain down like gold!
While Pierrot's wife grows weary of his scold!
Each coin I win, each prize I proudly take,
Is one step closer to his heart to break!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO bursts in dramatically.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Ha! What's this weakling doing in my space?
Your milk-white skin shows not a manly trace!
The mayo? Pfft, i sure can bet:
You wouldn't even handle that!
ARLECCHINO:
At least my face isn't burned red with sauce—
Your taste buds dead, your dignity? A loss!
I'll beat you to the pulp, my friend.
You'll soil pants before your end.
Tis would be pitiful demise
Of cocky lad that guzzles spice!
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
You baby-man who fears the spice of life!
I'll steal your dreams and take your future wife!
No.110418
[SCARAMOUCHELLO puffs up his chest, then accidentally releases a loud BRAAAAAAAAP. A trail of ghost pepper sauce trickles along his thigh, forming a putrid puddle underneath.]
ARLECCHINO:
Your body speaks the truth you dare not face—
That sound foretells your coming disgrace!
[They engage in an elaborate fight sequence.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Your mother was a hamster, weak and small!
ARLECCHINO:
Your father smelt of elderberries, all!
[ARLECCHINO performs an impressive maneuver with his slapstick.]
[The force of the slapstick sends SCARAMOUCHELLO flying through the window and into a nearby pig pen.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Aiee! These pigs! They touch my precious clothes!
Their snouts approach! Oh mercy! Save my nose!
squeal Get back! I am too pretty for this fate!
My machismo! It cannot compensate!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO scrambles out of the pig pen, covered in mud and running away in terror.]
[ARLECCHINO returns to the slot machine, wins another jackpot, and exits with a flourish.]NARRATOR:
And now, dear friends, a shadow looms ahead—
Casino thugs seek vengeance, so it's said.
Their mystery boss pulls strings from high above,
Will fortune favor Arlecchino's love?
But hush! My rat companion needs to hide!
These checker pieces best stay by my side!
The future's dark, but darker still my seat—
This pool of shame where all misfortunes meet!
No.110421
too long
No.110424
>>110415Cute 'banki
…and seija is there too. I guess.
No.110425
ACT IV. Of pigs and perfumes.
[A quaint café appears. The NARRATOR sits at his usual spot, gesturing wildly.]
NARRATOR:
Behold! This sanctuary pure and bright,
Where none may enter who deny what's right!
No bearded dwarves in elven-maiden's gear,
No human-dragons spreading dragon-fear!
Those goblin immigrants must stay outside,
With orc-folk too - let proper folk reside!
And worst of all - that neighbor Billy's face,
Who speaks of "climate change" with shameless grace!
[Points accusingly at a specific direction]
Right there he dwells, that spreader of such lies,
While truth and proper thought he does despise!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO stumbles onto the street, covered in mud and pig filth]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Oh what disgrace! Oh what a dreadful fall!
Through window high into a pigpen's sprawl!
Those squealing beasts with muddy snouts so cruel,
Have made me look the greatest sort of fool!
But wait! What vision through yon window gleams?
Could that be she who haunts my sweetest dreams?
Fair Columbina! Bathed in morning light!
Perhaps my fall has led to fortune bright!
But first! This stench that clings to me must go,
Before I dare approach my would-be beau!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO, still disheveled from his pig pen adventure, sneaks toward a peculiar shop.]
MISTER CHENG:
Ah! Honorabre sir! You buy today?
Tiger rod make strong! Very good price!
Rhino horn? Special dear! Make you spice!
*shows both of them, poking them right into Scaramouche's face*
These head berry fresh! No question ask!
*shows a bundle of dried up heads*
Fetus jar? Premium grade! Top of class!
*slams down a jar with a fetus of jewish descent with a shit eating grin and hands clenched together - even in death this little fucker was smug*
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Just perfume, good sir, to mask this smell—
Of dignity that took a piggy fell!
[Scene shifts to the café interior. COLUMBINA sits alone, bathed in sunlight.]
No.110427
COLUMBINA:
Oh Jenga Christ! In blocks stacked high above,
Please save me from this mockery of love!
My Pierrot, once thought brave and strong and true,
Proves weaker than a quarter-horse can do!
Not even half! A quarter of a shrewd!
In intimate affairs, so pathetic and crude!
[Enter SCARAMOUCHELLO, now doused in perfume, blocking the sun.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Your prayers are heard! Behold your answer bright!
A real man stands before you, full of might!
COLUMBINA:
You block my sun. Please move your form aside.
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Am I not brighter than that sun above?
My radiance surely speaks of destined love!
COLUMBINA:
Too bright indeed, like spotlight's garish glare,
That burns the eyes and makes the viewers swear!
[SCARAMOUCHELLO begins an elaborate performance of juggling, guitar playing, and singing.]
SCARAMOUCHELLO:
Oh Columbina! Fairest of them all!
Your beauty makes the strongest man to fall!
Watch as I juggle both my heart and soul,
While singing of the love that makes me whole!
[After an exhaustive display of talents…]
COLUMBINA:
*Sighs deeply*
Well… if you bounce like this in other ways,
Perhaps we might find use for all this praise.
[They exit together toward PIERROT's house.]
No.110430
INTERMISSION
[The traditional puppet stage appears, adorned with tattered velvet curtains]
PUNCH:
Oi! Judy love! Where's our bleedin' sprog?
Come 'ere and 'elp me wif this screamin' bog!
This bloody business drives me up the wall,
Been throwin' babies since Victorian fall!
JUDY:
*hiccups and stumbles*
Shut yer gob, ya worthless piece of trash!
I'm 'avin me a proper gin-time bash!
*throws bottle*
The baby's yours to mind, ya stupid git!
I'm done wif all this motherly horse…pit!
[Baby cries increasingly louder]
PUNCH:
There, there, me little darlin', hush yer face…
*attempting to rock baby, it bites Punch with its razor-sharp teeth*
Oh bloody 'ell! This ain't workin' apace!
For centuries I've done this sorry bit,
And every time the window's been a hit!
*throws baby out window*
That's five hundred years of problem-solvin'!
Same solution, always quick resolvin'!
JUDY:
*stumbling back upstairs*
Ya manky git! What've ya done this time?
I'll bash yer 'ead in, that'd be sublime!
PUNCH:
*pulling out shotgun*
Times change, me darlin', see this new device?
Technology's advanced, ain't that nice!
No more wooden clubs for Punch's show,
This twelve-gauge 'ere's proper way to go!
NARRATOR:
Stop this madness! You'll be haunted twice!
By child and wife - your sins won't turn to ice!
PUNCH:
*pointing shotgun at Narrator*
Makes thrice now, ya bloody cunt!
I'll give ya somethin' proper fine to hunt!
[Skies rumble all of sudden. Suddenly, a massive policeman suddenly falls from above, landing directly on PUNCH]
PUNCH:
*being smothered*
Oh cruel fate! By bobby's arse I die!
This ending's worse than any I could try!
This smell ain't not a summer breeze!
Please help me, momma - I can't breathe!
NARRATOR:
Our expectations were exceeded,
Police brutality is needed.
See how justice comes in strangest ways,
When coppers sit on villains nowadays!
Our intermission's done, let's carry on,
To see what other follies dawn upon!
No.110432
Someone should do a dramatic reading of this and publish it on YouTube as an obscure radio drama
No.110433
ACT 666. THE REQUIEM FOR A PIG
NARRATOR:
Behold yon house where Pierrot dwells in peace,
Where Scaramouche shall soon—RELEASE
MY HAT THIS INSTANT! CURSED FEATHERED BEAST!
*struggles with amorous bird, making advances on his fancy feathered hat*
BLOODY HELL! GET OFF! YOU WINGED FEAST!
By Satan's sweaty bollocks, I declare,
No bird shall make my hat its nesting lair!
COLUMBINA:
*from balcony*
Oh! What sweet passion did unfold last night!
Like fireworks that set my heart alight!
'Twas better than the finest birthday feast—
Poor Pierrot could never match this beast!
But wait… what's this peculiar smell that lingers?
*sniffs*
And why do I hear… porcine fingers?
*rushes inside*
GREAT HEAVENS! WHERE MY LOVER LAY IN BED,
A PIG NOW WALLOWS IN HIS STEAD!
NARRATOR:
Ah yes, dear friends, a tale I must reveal
Of Mr. Chang's perfume, a cursed ordeal!
In ancient China, so the legends say,
Where mandarins with braids would often sway,
They brewed this potion 'neath the moon so bright,
With dragon's breath and phoenix tail delight!
*adjusts hat, now with birds nest*
The masking scent, it fades with morning light,
And he who wears it changes overnight!
No.110698
ACT 6 (previous was actually 5)
[Narrator finally managed to raise himself at a shoulders level. The bird smokes a cigarette and, after finishing, flies away]
NARRATOR:
At last! I've found some leverage to rise—
GOOD LORD! NINE THOUSAND IMMIGRANTS? MY EYES!
*gets trampled by rushing crowd, getting nailed neck-deep into the filth*
Now neck-deep in this feculent affair,
I spy young ones who gather here to stare
At Arlecchino's bout with thuggish crew—
My dignity's quite done, I bid adieu!
THUGS (in unison):
You won too much, you prancing little clown!
Tonight we'll bring your winning streak right down!
ARLECCHINO:
Ha! Empty threats from empty-headed fools!
You break more rules than all our grammar schools!
GOOGA:
They call me Googa, minister of street game!
My mighty trunk puts elephants to the shame!
BALOOGA:
Balooga here, the master of the night!
My bulky fists could make a rhino flight!
JAMAL:
The name's Jamal, I rule these crooked streets!
My kicks are faster than a cheetah's feats!
TYRONE:
They fear me, Tyrone, in every alley dark!
My punch could split a mountain clean apart!
[As they rap, a considerable amount of spittle escapes their thick lips right onto the ARLLECCHINO's face]
ARLECCHINO:
*wiping face*
Dear me, such spray! You're quite the splashing lot!
Did someone teach you speaking? I think not!
THUGS (in baritone):
You mock our speech? Our darkness gives offense?
Our pigmentation makes you rather tense?
ARLECCHINO:
Fair children of the tar and night,
Your whining skills won't help you in this fight!
No.110703
[Battle scene begins, full of tricks and an astounding display of strength]
NARRATOR:
Oh what a sight! Such acrobatic flair!
They flip and flop through purple-tinted air!
But wait! Our hero has a clever plan—
WATCH OUT! That flip-kick nearly hit my fan!
ARLECCHINO:
Look there! A maiden fair with flaxen hair!
Such milky skin! Such grace beyond compare!
THUGS (mesmerized):
WHERE? WHERE? Oh damsel of our dreams divine!
Your pallid beauty makes our hearts entwine!
Voluptous buttocks and the golden locks…
Come hither, maiden, we will lose our socks!
[ARLECCHINO pulls a clever move on the distracted thugs, tying their pants into an elaborate knot and then threw them away for thousand miles]
NARRATOR:
With swift precision did our hero strike!
Their pants now tied, they soar just like a kite!
Far, far away these thugs did surely fly,
While children cheer beneath the evening sky!
POOR CHILDREN:
Oh Arlecchino! Help us if you please!
Our parents need some acrobatic ease!
Just two or three good kicks might do the trick—
To teach them that their beatings make us sick!
NARRATOR:
But lo! What creeps within the shadow's veil?
'Tis Pantalone! Ancient, wrinkled, pale!
His toadstool wilted long before its time—
No maiden would touch that for any dime!
This crusty fossil thinks his wealth brings power—
OH NO! THE BIRD! SHE'S BACK THIS FATAL HOUR!
PANTALONE:
*from shadows*
Curse Arlecchino and his nimble ways!
I'll show him who in Venice truly pays!
My cultural exchange brought demons here,
And soon Columbina shall hold me dear!
With money's might I'll— WHAT? WHO PULLED MY FAMOUS PANTS?
Ungrateful brats! No second chance!
*pulls out phone*
Hello? Yes, bring the chopper right away!
These street rats soon will dearly, dearly pay!
NARRATOR:
Dear friends, prepare! The next act brings such sights!
Such chaos! Drama! Aerial delights!
But now this bird demands her vengeance due—
OH HOLY JENGA CHRIST, PLEASE SAVE ME TOO!
*gets viciously pecked*
No.110706
NARRATOR:
What's this? The bird, enchanted by steel wings,
Attempts to court the chopper as she flings?
GOOD HOLY SHIT! A MINCEMEAT! What a gruesome sight!
(Though I confess some joy at my plight's)
But children scatter! Terror fills the square!
As Pantalone rises through the air!
PANTALONE:
To il-Dottore's clinic I must fly!
His wisdom might just catch fair maiden's eye!
NARRATOR:
Ah yes, that quack! That fraud of highest rate!
Who mangles Latin at a shocking rate!
This self-proclaimed Casanova supreme,
Whose medical degree's a fever dream!
PANTALONE:
Oh yes, the clinic is within my sight!
Yet crap i see… it kills delight…
I must to shake my old-time bones,
Or else crush them with gravestones.
[Pantalone soon lands near the clinic, stopping by what seems a gathering of patients, all heading to the il-Dottore himself]
NARRATOR:
Such freaky line! Such monstrous parade!
Each hoping beauty might their curse evade!
A goblin yearns for fairy's gentle grace,
While demons dream of cherub's sweetest face!
That troll desires a mermaid's flowing hair?
(Though barnacles might suit him better there!)
And oh! That dragon! Wants to be a cat!
(Il-Dottore's coffers growing fat!)
Each monster's gold fills up his greedy vault,
While hopes and dreams turn quickly into salt!
PANTALONE:
*canes those who get in the way, trying to cut through the line*
Get out of here, you filthy, crawling pests!
…I mean, clear way, my honorary guests!
I have a quest i must complete!
I beg you, step aside and take a seat!
[scene switches to the clinic interior. a huge, filthy ogre is lying on a table, wearing a frilly pink dress - il-Dottore is standing nearby, examining it]
OGRE PATIENT:
Oh wise one, tell me true and tell me quick?
Will scrambled eggs make me a lady chic?
Will mangled sausage be of any use?
Will it relieve my earthly blues?
No.110707
>>110704fuck you. why would you falseflag me in the only good thread i've made? the only thread i've put an effort in? what have i done to you? please, do a favor and kill yourself, ungrateful swine.
No.110708
>>110706forgot to mention, this is act 7
IL-DOTTORE:
Silencium, my dear! Per Jupitieur!
Your TRANSformatio will soon occur!
*turns on a weird drill-like machine and turns away. then the door opens and il-Dottore notices Pantalone*
Ah, Pantalone! Amicus maximus!
Come in, come in! Let's chat in privatus!
*Pantalone gets behind a blurry screen and whispers something to the doctor; il-Dottore then nods and pulls down the pants of an old man*
NARRATOR:
Behind the curtain! Oh, my burning eyes!
Such sights would even make a vulture realize
That some things better left unseen, unspoke?
I think I might just actually choke!
IL-DOTTORE:
Diagnosis completus! Here's the deal?
Your amanita lacks that certain sex appeal!
But fortunatus! I have just the thing!
A dragon's cave-grown fungus! Watch it spring!
Just one million ducats! What a steal!
I've risked my life, amicus, just you know.
Behind the backs of heroes - ('ve sacrificed my toe!
PANTALONE:
Deal-not-steal, but I see the appeal,
Tis much better than the rod of steel.
*on phone*
Quick! Gather profits from my mining slaves?
I mean, my dutiful fanbase who caves!
[Something weird begins to happen. The vision is obscured, but judging from the sound it might be even worse than the creation of a Frankenstein monster. Afterwards, Pantalone exits, with a smug grin on his face]
NARRATOR:
Time passes (mercifully rather quick)
As treatments leave me rather gravely sick.
Now Pantalone, fresh with fungal pride,
Takes to his chopper for another ride!
IL-DOTTORE:
*peering into distance*
What creature wallows in that distant waste?
That narrating wretch with dubious taste?
No matter! Pierrot soon shall learn his place?
That debt he owes will bring him such disgrace!
NARRATOR:
Oh darkest, bleakest day for all humanity!
May Arlecchino's wits and luck set this world free!
What's that? A diamond ring falls right from the above!
Too bad I'm stuck in what I'd rather not speak of!
No.110718
>>110707obviously you need to adopt country flag for a seal of authenticity