>>427810On the contrary, I grew up in the cradle of American civilization. I have a fragment of Plymouth Rock in my forehead like Venom Snake and I was born wrapped in a parchment copy of the constitution. Rather than crying, I would recite the articles of confederation to implore the attention of my mother, and she could only calm my burning sorrow and rage by in turn reciting the declaration of independence. Somewhere deep in my soul I knew something awful had happened to this nation. As a child my blanket was printed with the preamble and my pillow with the CSA's surrender speech. I dreamt of the Civil War before I even knew what it was. Visions came to me in the night of my mere presence causing dirty graycoats' heads to explode into red white and blue fireworks, the skin to melt off their face merely by meeting eyes with me, and God forbid I touch them, lest they immediately burst into flag-colored flames, burning bright as magnesium with the rage of the American spirit. Exhaling in the direction of a dirty rebel firing line seemed to summon a whole company of rabid bald eagles, and merely whispering my will in the direction of their navy would cause their pitiful sailboats to spring leaks and their cannons to backfire.
When I learned of the Civil War, it all began to make sense. In this country, there are certain groups who cannot be considered American. They stand against every principle our nation is built on. They are an existential threat to the legacy of the framers. Merely by existing, they have committed treason. These people are those who would carry on the legacy of the vile slavers of the confederacy,
and new yorkers.
So look me in my eyes, if you dare, and tell me again, without quivering, that I am not American.
